Not long after the onset of entering into our cancer journey, I had a chat with a friend. Several years before this her daughter had her own battle with cancer.  I recall this conversation so vividly. It’s etched into my mind like carvings on a scroll.

She would be the first person who was able to connect with my swirling emotions and fears. There I sat on my bed like a small and fragile girl, legs crossed in an indian style position, with paper and pen in my lap. I was so eager to write down anything that would be encouraging or comforting. Desperately eager for some words of hope.

I remember swiftly making a dash to my bedroom as the phone was ringing.  Whisking off to a place to talk openly. A place away from everyone who might be listening so I could, if needed … let my guard down. 

There are several things I remember about that conversation, but one of them really impacted me. I still years later reflect on it daily. My friend shared with me how she would cry in the shower during those early cancer days and the months of treatment that followed. It was in this place that she allowed the sobs to come and fall without anyone hearing or seeing.  This place, her place, where her family was protected from her pain. I can relate to this, especially as a mom. We are designed to shelter and protect those we love. Sometimes that means keeping our emotions in check while in their presence. Especially to a child in the midst of such a scary time.

Since that conversation, each time I’m in the shower, my thoughts shift to her gentle words.  Even though I don’t let the tears fall  in the shower,  I do allow my mind to run free. An escape from the noise and chaos of the world. The thoughts, the aches and cries of my soul, quickly turn into prayers. A fierce plea for comfort.

Over time these prayers led me to a visual that hasn’t left me since that first day I saw it.

I envision God grabbing hold of the dirt, the grime, the ugliness of my pain and grief and washing it down the drain. Each drop of fresh water eagerly trying to capture a tiny morsel of pain so He can cleanse bits of the jagged piercings that linger in my soul. “Create in me a clean heart O God” are my words. Psalm 51:10 KJV  “renew a right spirit within me” These written by David in Psalms weren’t written for this reason. David instead was crying out to God to cleanse his heart because he had sinned. I am crying to God for the cleansing of my broken heart. In Gods eyes, we are all in need of cleansing, no matter what the reason. We are all in need of allowing God to make our hearts clean, and renew a right spirit.

There is no way for God to fully cleanse every-last-piece of my pain. It’s continually surfacing making it ever present.  This reality doesn’t stop me from always seeking though. There’s a constant need to have God be the center of my pain – the Source in which I cry out to.

I believe there is beauty and healing and cleansing yet to come as I continue to seek.

This give me hope.