Today marks the last day of 2015!

When I reflect on the year 2015 … I just cringe. This reflecting sends a piercing twinge of pain right into the very core of my being.

2015 … the year that has left infinite scars from the wounds that have penetrated deep down and left my grieving soul cracked wide open.

This is the year that has caused my heart to bleed a monumental pain.

My mind swirls with terrifying flashbacks from this past year. Flashbacks of endless tears and the relentless tossing endured from the fierce crashing waves. A mountain of grief that has left a permanent mark on my heart. A heart ripped to the core, leaving it raw and tender. Leaving me, fragile and weary.

With 2016 soon to be on it’s way in, this ripped open heart swells with dread for yet another year that I’ll have to work my way through this gripping pain. There is no anticipation for a resolution for this suffering. The ring of the new year can’t erase 2015 and no fresh starts are on the horizon.

All this swelling in my aching heart and dread of another pain filled year has led me to do a lot of pondering on what actually makes up a year? I’ve concluded that a year is simply a lot of numbers … seconds, minutes, hours. Numbers that make up days, then months and eventually a year. All of time, this side of heaven, is based on numbers.

Life in Numbers.

As the years pass I fully grasp how time is simply a fading element. In some ways, this fading element creates immense pain over the losses I’ve endured, and in other ways it gives me hope because this life … is really just a vapor. A mere blink compared to eternity.

“Lord, remind me how brief my time on earth will be. Remind me that my days are numbered – how fleeting my life is.” – Psalm 39:4

Days are fleeting, years are passing, but one thing the numbers of life cannot take from me are the memories I have. The passing of time cannot steal the joys and precious moments I tenderly hold in my heart. These joys shine just as bright as the moments that have caused my bleeding soul to weep.

Thirty-three years ago today – 1982, I met my husband. A lot of numbers have passed since that cold December day. I was thirteen and had a mouth-full-of-braces when I first layed eyes on the cute-dimple-faced, blond-haired boy wearing brown corduroy pants. A lot of numbers have made this life we have today. A lot of numbers have filled in the gaps and connected our hearts as we embrace all the precious memories.

Life in Numbers.

The precious memories help me to strive to not focus on 2015 as the year that forever altered my life. Desperately I’m yearning to reflect on 2015 in numbers instead. Numbers that make up my life and have brought me to where I am today – a life of sweet memories mixed with immeasuable suffering. A life built on the strong foundation of Christ. This foundation, this Rock on which I stand, is what will carry me through my remaining numbered days. Days of joys and days of pain.

“I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. “ – Romans 8:18.

This verse fills me with hope! Written by one of the greatest teachers in the bible – Paul. A reminder that this life in numbers will soon fade. This pain, this mountain of grief will fade also. These current sufferings don’t compare to the glory that awaits. This life, this fleeting life, holds the pain. And, eternity holds my future where time is not measured in numbers and pain will no longer be present.

I may forever, this side of heaven, carry the pain from one day to the next, one year to the next. But, I also carry the promise of hope for my future. Today, this last day of 2015, I’m holding on to Truth and counting my blessings for this numbered day.

Life in Numbers.

May the promise of today and the hope for tomorrow filter into your new year – a life in numbers.