My heart is heavy today. Heavy.

It all started as I was on Facebook this morning checking out the latest news from my friends! Most of the time it’s a great diversion or escape for me.  Today,  I was smacked in the face with reality.  With heartache. With sadness.

I saw a comment that a friend of mine made on a post about praying for a four year old boy with brain cancer that has just gone into hospice.  I immediately clicked to read more and then found my way to his website.  As I began reading his story, the flashbacks began swirling in my head. Not only does he have brain cancer like my baby girl, but his surgery was performed by the same surgeon as my daughter. The reality came closer, hit harder. So many emotions that his momma described were mine, are mine. It’s so painful to listen or read of someone else’s similar heartache because you feel it right along with them! My heart began racing (it’s still racing) and tears began to flow down my face. I immediately began praying.

               “The reality came closer, hit harder.

It was a few moments into reading his story that I recognized his sweet face.  Then, it hit me. I knew where I’d seen him! One of the forms of treatment we participate in is hyperbaric oxygen therapy.  This little boy and his dad were often lying in the chamber next to me and daughter. My heart sank further. Seeing the sweet image of father and son, fighting. Fighting for any chance of healing. Fighting just like we are.

Reality began to come harder and closer to me with such force.  The reality of knowing that in spite of our best efforts to fight, we may lose our earthly battles.

I’m sharing this with you because I want you to know that I am real. That even though I have such faith and trust in God, I am human. My heart hurts. My soul aches. I am not always able to speak wisdom or encouraging thoughts. And today, I am just plain heartbroken. Reading about this little boy today sparked emotions in me that I often suppress. There are moments when these emotions come to the surface and all I know to do is pray. Pray for peace, pray for strength. Pray that God will deliver me from this pain. Pray that He will meet me where I am, in that moment…in this moment. Prayer is powerful and provides such comfort. Sometimes, the only relief I get from prayer is knowing that this is not our permanent home. It’s temporary. As my pastor would say, “we are just passing through”. I hold on to the promise of eternal life with Him. That encourages me and strengthens me. I find joy there! Today, that’s what I heard as I prayed. “Child, this is not your permanent home”.

I know that this cancer journey I am in may lead to more heartache. More sadness may fill my days. I also know that God uses situations like this, and uses people like me to reach others.  I am a voice that speaks from the heart and I pray that people will find Him through me, through this journey. I pray that you find your permanent home in Him. That’s what encourages me to keep going. To keep filling these pages with words of  hope and of God’s precious love and promises.

               “God uses situations like this, and uses people like me to reach others…

If you are struggling with something, whatever it may be, just pray. Give it all to Him as you open your heart and pray. Pray through your pain and tears. Sometimes, that’s all we are able to do. Today, that’s all I am able to do. Can I just encourage you by saying, that is really all you need to do. God will handle the rest. He will take it from there. Let Him meet you where you are.

Blessings!

Pamela