Did you ever just long for something? Really long for something until it becomes all you can think about? Of course you have! We all have that one thing (or multiple things) at least once in our life we just can’t let go of. That one thing that occupies just about every thought we have until it happens. For me, it was becoming a mom. For as far back as I can remember my heart would leap with excitement over the thought of motherhood. Then, after I met my husband (at the ripe old age of 13 ☺), I would sit and day dream all the time about our ‘perfect life’ together and how we would make a happy home with lots of kiddos. Even though college wasn’t important to me, I did mange to take a few years worth of classes at the community college. All I could see in my future was children and not a college degree! I remember saying “why should I get a degree and spend all this time and money when I just want to raise babies”.

My husband and I married at 21 and we were so excited to start our family. To start ‘making our perfect life’. We quickly realized though, that conceiving a child may not be possible. We spent years battling infertility and underwent a mountain of testing. All that testing led to a surgery that provided us with hope to possibly conquer our battle. And yes, praise God…He blessed us! The elation we felt was so powerful, so beautiful!! God continued the blessings and gave us four beautiful, beautiful children! Many years of pain and suffering had finally brought us to a place of joy! Our ‘perfect’ family! 

With four children in six years life as a mom has always been pretty hectic! I always knew that being a mom would mean some long days and sleepless nights. For sure there would be days that I may not have time to take a shower (yes that’s true!), or even comb my hair. There would be days that stepping over toys and piles of laundry would no doubt be my source of workout for the day. Yet, I also knew the joy, the love, the laughter that would fill our world would surpass all else! 

What I didn’t expect was to feel such pain. The ache of a momma heart is deeper than an ordinary ache. It cuts very deep into the soul. When my children hurt…I hurt more. I quickly realized that pain, worry and fear was just as much a part of raising kids as all the joy. Life is hard, and being a parent means there will be hard times.

Our youngest son had a very serious injury at just 13 months old. He had fallen and severed his wrist very badly. Tendons, ligaments, nerves, arteries – all severely damaged. Damaged to a point we weren’t sure if he would have the use of his hand. After an emergency surgery and several months later…our fear and worry over this revealed he would be okay! His only marking of this injury is the scar. The scar that is in the shape of a ‘J’. We have always told him it represents Jesus and that he was ‘branded’ by Jesus, our Savior!

There would be more moments of fear and pain to come our way as our oldest son developed a bone tumor in his ankle.  We were quickly whisked off to a oncology orthopedic surgeon because there was a likely possibility of the tumor being cancer. So very grateful this was not the case! So very grateful his body has accepted the bone graph he received to fill the empty space that the tumor once occupied. God is good!

Life as a parent has certainly kept us moving! It’s often filled with many ‘normal’ everyday moments of fears and worry.  Daily highs and lows, twists and turns. Managing these ‘normal’ moments is just as much to be expected as experiencing all the love and joy and laughter. It’s called life!

Then….came what isn’t ‘normal’ to everyday life as a parent.

The immense gripping pain of experiencing the news that my child, my precious baby girl, had brain cancer! Nothing can prepare you for this kind of pain. Nothing. My pain filled heart sank to a level I didn’t know existed. My world…my ‘perfect’ world…shattered. Completely shattered into millions-of-tiny-pieces! My existence as I knew it…ended.

Then right in the midst of this cancer journey, our oldest son was hit by a car. While working along the shoulder of a freeway he was struck by a car passing the construction zone. Close your eyes and imagine hearing this news and then frantically make your way to the hospital that he was just air lifted to. It’s real and it hurts. It’s been 10 months since that day and he is still recovering physically as we all recover emotionally. We have been so incredibly blessed for sure and thank God for His healing and for His strength!

Just months after our sons accident, our cancer journey shifted. The kind of shift that you desperately want and need to turn the other way! You want to run hard and run fast in hope that you can out run this horrible disease. Instead, we had to begin preparing ourselves (if that’s even possible!) for the most horrific pain we would face, losing our precious daughter.

I don’t think there is any pain greater than losing your child. A part of me died with her. Literally, a part of me. My heart has been ripped into shreds never to be fully put back together. There’s a piercing that cuts painfully deep into my soul.  A void will forever be a part of my life as this pain seeps it’s ugly way into each and every moment of everyday.

This painful journey has caused to me reflect on a Jesus’ death in a different way. I’ve tried to imagine how God felt as he watched His Son die. What was it like for Him to watch His Son be ridiculed, mocked, brutally beaten, and then see His hands be pierced with nails and hang to a cross? I can’t imagine there is any pain more severe than this! And yet, God allowed this to occur because there is also no greater love than this! Amen! His love for us is greater, it’s bigger than the pain He experienced over watching His only Son being crucified. All of this…so we can live in eternity with Him! Christ paid the price, suffered and died for our sins so that we can spend eternity with Him. His plan is perfect!

Knowing Gods plan is perfect allows me to face each day. I don’t understand it and I won’t even try to pretend that I do! Losing my child hurts! Bad. I have to surrender each and every day to this plan that I don’t understand. It’s hard. The pieces of my life right now are all mixed up like a sad, broken, ugly puzzle. One day, the pieces will be revealed and they will all come together and make sense to me. Until then, all I can do is trust. As I trust, I rejoice in knowing that my daughter is whole and she is resting in our Saviors arms. I will soon hold her tight because God loved me (and you) enough to endure the greatest pain of all which enables us to also rest in His arms for eternity. This gives me hope for the painful moments and days I will face here on this earth because, I know…this is not my permanent home!

There are many tears I have yet to cry and so I grasp tightly onto to hope that one day I will again be able to experience joy.  I hold onto His grip knowing I am being held by His strength. I will keep trusting in His perfect plan as I long for the day that my heart won’t feel this pain. My victory is in heaven and I WILL be with my precious baby girl again! Amen, Amen! God loved me and you enough to ensure we could experience this victory, this eternal victory with Him!

For God so loved the world that he gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life. ~ John 3:16

Life is hard and it’s full of pain. Your story, your pain –  is different than mine. God knows our hearts, He feels our pain and weeps with us as He counts every tear we cry! Trust in His love for you and in His perfect plan for your life.  Even though it hurts and it doesn’t make sense, trust Him. Surrender to Him and allow Him to carry you through this pain filled journey we call life. Eternal victory is waiting!

Dear Heavenly Father, Our Heart Mender ~ I pray that You would comfort the broken hearts that need You right now. Wrap Your loving arms around those that need You ~ as You wipe away the tears that flow because of the pain in this world. Thank You for paying the price for our sins so that we can have the peace in knowing we will one day spend eternity with You…and leave all this pain behind. ~ In Your Precious Sons Name, Amen.