Something has changed in my heart.  I’m not quite sure how to describe it, (or that I like it?) but a shift has grabbed hold of me and enabled some boldness? to come forth. I have really never felt bold so it seems a bit strong when relating it to myself.  So instead, I’m going to say it’s me being transparent and just roll with it…

Sharing this is truthfully uncomfortable for me. But here goes!

There is this thing called grace. It’s a fairly short and simple word, but it’s packed with so much more than the five letters that form it. Grace is a gift that comes in many forms and aids in mending and connecting hearts to promote healthy relationships. The Marriam-Webster Dictionary defines grace as a: unmerited divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification

Ahh grace!

I have given more grace in the last few years than I can recall. And honestly for the most part it has left me feeling a little more wounded each time. Wounded not because I don’t have grace in my heart to give, because I do, I really, really do! –  but more because of the reason I have given it.

My world is so unfamiliar to nearly every-single-person I know. This unfamiliar place is a breeding ground for things to be said or done that can hurt. In.Walks.Grace. These words or actions are not intentional – I don’t even think the person(s) is aware that it’s happened? That’s why grace can be so unconditionally offered.  But this does not mean that my heart can’t and won’t still feel the sting all the same. In these moments I wish the deep-grief-stricken-crevices of my heart would illuminate and allow just a glimpse of the unfamiliar to be seen. Maybe then the unknowns of my world could be slightly more understood?

G R A C E and all its beauty is what helps bridge the gap for this unfamiliar place.

Recently I realized that as grace has been aiding in bridging the gap, I have been stuffing the hurts down deep trying to bury them in hopes they wouldn’t surface again. The truth is – the hurts do surface. Not because I want or intend them to, but because they are being stuffed into an already weeping place that’s bound to spill over at some point.

I now understand that grace is only one side of the story that gets wrapped up in neat bow and allows a happy ending for that person who may have struck a pain nerve in my heart. The other side of the story (my side of the story) has been left open ended and unresolved.  It’s a built-in defense mechanism gone all wrong. Completely wrong.

Ahhh, now on to the part that I need to apologize in advance for because some toes may get stepped on here? Or as my sweet southern Papaw used to say, someone may be about to get their panties in a wad!  My wounded heart can’t begin to understand why some that know me – I mean really know me well (and yes little brother this includes you too) have chosen to walk away without a word? It feels insensitive and not at all how God designed for us to be with each other. I understand this is not a fun roller coaster ride. I get it. Raising my hand in agreement here!  But, where is the love and how can it appear to be so easily overlooked?

I’m wondering why grace has to be the only bridge in this unfamiliar gap and why love and compassion can’t rise above?

Grace upon grace.

There’s always this need inside me to search for the lessen(s) or reason. A constant mission that keeps me continually seeking God for guidance and direction.  Throughout this process of all my ‘wonderings‘, I have discovered something both beautiful and healing!

I have forgotten to give myself grace!

Stuffing the hurts down deep has unknowingly taken away my permission to feel them. I deserve to feel them. I need to feel them. This divine assistance needs to grab hold of my heart so I can completely and fully take these hurts to the Cross. I can’t begin to heal until I lay them at His feet. A complete surrender brought forth by grace.

How did I over look the goodness of grace for my unspoken wounds?

Grace is what saves and heals us all.