Some days I’d like to be able to pull the covers over my head and sleep away the day. In this case…sleep away many days!

I’ve been hit with several dates and painful reminders all in a row this past week. Starting with the anniversary of this ugly journey, the surgery, and the date of finding out my baby girl had brain cancer. All of it is hard-gut-wrenching pain. Then right in the mix of these dates, our family experienced our first little trip without our girl. We spent the weekend visiting our graceful one while she is away for a month for a summer dance program. These five hearts walked the streets of Chicago feeling empty, lost and aching for our sixth one. At the end of all these dreadful dates and painful reminders,  came the sixth month mark of when I last held my girl in my arms. Needless to say, none of this has been pretty.

Our fury friend, Hope, stayed with my dear friend while we made our trip to Chicago. Before dropping her off I made a stop to the pet store to buy her a “new toy”.  Because, she of course…doesn’t have enough already! Walking out of the store an older woman with un-even painted on red ruby lips and fake eyelashes stops me to admire our girl Hope.  The older woman had a sweet disposition and was warm and kind in spite of her rather-scary appearance. She began asking me questions about our pup and wondered where we got her. Inside my heart was ready to burst and on the verge of tears. Today was the beginning of my painful dates and reminders… July 10.  I proceeded to tell her our story and how this precious dog, Hope, came to be our girl. With tears now welling up in my eyes I couldn’t hold them in any longer and they began to fall down my cheeks as I shared our story.  You see, Hope is my baby girl’s dog and the story of how we welcomed her into our home is beautiful! I’m usually a little more guarded with my feelings, but this sweet older woman fell right in the pathway of my vulnerable state. Pretty sure this is not at all what she was expecting to encounter! But, with her un-even painted on ruby red lips and fake eyelashes, she now became my comforter. She asked me my name and said she would be praying our family.

With the painful dates coming and going, the reminders that came along with them were here to stay and began to weigh me down. Down real low. So low by the time the sixth month mark came I was in a real place of deep pain. Needing to head out and get some things done, but knowing I was in no shape to leave the house because the crying would not stop. So with the mountain of home projects we have going, I decided to paint a room that is on “our list” of projects in effort to keep my mind busy. But, each stroke of the brush felt futile.  Each part of the wall that was now being covered with fresh, new paint stabbed my broken heart.  I’m covering these walls and making them fresh and new. Thoughts of painting over the pain in my heart fill my mind. Oh how I wish I could paint over this pain and make it fresh and new! But-I-can’t! It will never be fresh and new…just broken and weary. Mid afternoon approaches and I began feeling nauseous and need to take a break from painting. I’m now sitting on the floor weeping with fists clenched tight. I look up through my tear-stained-eyes and see a sign that has made it’s home above the doorway. Be still and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10.  “I hear you Lord, I’m trying” I muttered. “This just hurts so bad”.

I pick myself off the floor, literally, and head to the refrigerator and take out some cherries to wash in hopes to settle my sick-feeling stomach. Put the cherries in a bowl, then I immediately hear Satan laughing at the irony of this. Cherries in a bowl. Life is a bowl of cherries he mocks. Really Satan?…. life is NOT a bowl of cherries! I spout back at him “My Savior out loves and is stronger than any futile attempt you make to mock and bring me down”. Contemplating whether or not I should even eat these cherries now, I envisioned my Heavenly Father spitting the cherry pits right back at Satan hitting him square between the eyes and saying “Don’t mock my precious child”!  So with this vision in my head…I eat a few cherries all the while hoping Satan felt the hit between the eyes!

For many years there has been a vinyl wall art saying on one of the walls in the room I am painting.  Cabinets will soon cover this saying so there is really no need to paint this wall or remove the saying. I stand and stare at this wall pondering over what to do….leave it there or paint the wall? The words read: “When you walk with God you will reach your destination”.  Over and over again I repeat them as they penetrate deep in my soul. “Lord, I am walking with You, but my soul aches, and these legs are tired from what feels like endless pain-filled miles, and my feet have blisters from walking in this jagged trench. I need You to carry me.“ I decide to leave the saying…I will know it’s there even after it can’t be seen. A beautiful reminder of this tender moment.

After cleaning up from the painting I check my e-mail. Inside I find a note from my new friend, Anna Whiston-Donaldson, author of Rare Bird. She writes:

Dear Pamela,

Sending you so much love today as you face the 6th month crapiversary of your beautiful daughter’s going to Heaven.

She goes on to thank me for a gift I recently sent her and closes with this:

I am so, so sorry this is all so hard!

LOVE and HUGS,

Anna-Whiston Donaldson

Anna knows my aching heart. Her precious son is also in Heaven. Life is NOT a bowl of cherries!

Throughout the day many of my family and dear friends also message me. Offering words of love and sending up prayers for our family. Feeling wrapped up in love for sure while my heart bleeds pain. There are times I would like to run and hide from the pain, but I can’t today. It’s on the forefront of so many that love my girl, love our family. Knowing other souls are also weeping pushes my pain into what feels like an overload of uncontrollable emotions.

Since my emotions are already in a place of deep despair, I decide to look at pictures of my baby girl. This is something that is very hard for me and I don’t do very often! Looking through her Instagram account, reading all the sweet messages and photos her friends posted on this sixth month mark is hard, hard stuff. These precious young hearts are so full of love and pain as they express their grief. My heart sinks further. I continue to look at each photo, read each comment. Then there it was… a photo my girl posted of herself with the caption “You were given this life because you’re strong enough to live it ♥” When did my fourteen year old become the teacher? So full of grace and strength! I then heard her whisper “You can do this mommy”!  

My daughters sweet friend and her momma stop by with a beautiful hand made gift for my garden. A recycled bowling ball covered with beautiful gems of my baby girls colors and six petal daisies. We chat and hug and I can feel their love wrapping me up as my heart weeps wide open with pain. Life is NOT a bowl of cherries!

Reflecting back on these days and painful reminders, I can see how God has been carrying me. Sending me bits of Himself and covering me with His tender love. My heart weeps and my soul aches and yet God was and is always by my side.  Messages of love from dear family and faithful friends, an e-mail from my new friend Anna, a visit from my baby girls sweet friend and her momma, and the older woman with un-even painted on ruby red lips and fake eyelashes.  All of them sent by my Savior so that I could feel just a little bit of His love. Then there’s the message my girl left for me…“You were given this life because you’re strong enough to live it ♥” 

No, life is not a bowl of cherries! But, the people in my life are precious.  They help pick me up when I am too weary to stand on my own. They tenderly hold the pieces of my broken heart in their hands as they try and help mend the brokenness. And yes, there will by more ‘crapiversaries’ and painful reminders and I will over and over again need these precious people. I also am grateful my Heavenly Father loves me enough to spit cherry pits back at the enemy when he is on the attack. For now, I lay my head to rest and give thanks to God for His unfailing love and for surrounding me with these precious people. As I close my eyes, I know when I wake in the morning I will continue to walk with Him because the destination is worth it. The road we travel on in this life is tiresome, painful, and often times feels unbearable. Yet knowing Heaven awaits, and oh what a joyous celebration that will be, gives me strength to keep walking in this trench with God by my side.

I dedicate this to my baby girl. Thank you for your unending love! Thank you for the grace you abundantly displayed, and for the strength you constantly provided to each of us this side of Heaven. You continue to amaze me with your presence and the ways you continue to teach. I was and am continually in awe of your strength and for you, ‘Pretty Girl’…I will do this! For I know…I was given this life because I am strong enough to  live it! 

Precious Savior, Thank you for carrying me when I am too weak to stand, and for providing others to embrace me when I am weary and tired. I am grateful You are at the front line fighting off the enemy as You spit back cherry pits on my behalf. You have promised this journey is worth all the pain and suffering. I’m clinging to Your promises Dear Lord, and I am ready to rejoice with You when I reach my destination. ~Amen